The day I found out I could pee whenever I wanted to was a memorable one.
It was right after I had graduated from college – (bear with me here, I promise this isn’t a story involving some strange bladder syndrome :)) I had landed a job in PR, my dream field at the time and was beyond stoked – I envisioned busy days immersed in Important Things, handling Important Matters. It all seemed so high-profile.
I had forgotten to ask what the dress code was beforehand but that didn’t matter – I showed up to my first day in a full-on black power suit, complete with spike heels. I was ready to go. Being the earnest little worker I was, I did what we all do on our first days at a new job – I keenly watched my co-workers and the office personnel move around and go about their tasks, eager to pick up and emulate and learn.
I’ll never forget my first impression reaction. I was astounded by what I saw.
People could go to the bathroom – get this – without asking for permission! They could just get up and go!! What’s more, it was the same for lunch breaks! You could essentially step out of the office whenever you wanted – to grab a snack, to go for a smoke, to take a stroll around the block – and NO ONE would question it. This was something I just could not wrap my head around.
People aren’t chained to their desks??? They can just… get up and do what they want?? Aren’t they expected to work non-stop until it’s time to go home?! I think my jaw completely dropped the first time I saw a group of co-workers all step out together to go on a coffee run.
This all sounds so silly now and shows how naive I was but it was so NOT how I had pictured the corporate workplace. In school we always had to raise our hand to get up and use the bathroom… we couldn’t just walk out of the room. This was true for other small jobs I held whilst in college and working in the retail world. You always let someone know what you wanted to do and made sure it was ok before doing so.
This just seemed so unreal.
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It was around then that I began questioning my beliefs about the workplace and the massive chasm that seemed to exist between my view and seemingly everyone else’s. I’m not sure where it came from but I always had this very rigid idea in my head of how you’re supposed to operate on the job that I felt I needed to adhere to.
For one thing, you didn’t socialize. That was a big NO. Being friendly to others was important but you didn’t spend time idly chatting about the latest movie that came out or what your plans were for the weekend. You smiled at others if you were passing by and got back to work.
You didn’t take several breaks throughout the day. In fact, most of the time you didn’t take ANY. You kept your stamina up and powered through.
If you didn’t have anything to do, you either asked others for more work that you could help with or you found ways to improve some aspect of the job. That was how you got raises, promotions, and in general how you got ahead. I literally can’t remember the last time when I went into work and didn’t find a project to immerse myself in. Quite frankly, not working at work makes me feel racked with guilt.
I remember sharing my workplace expectations with my college boyfriend at the time and he laughed: “People can’t function like robots” he said. I laughed too but inside I was thinking, “But why not? It’s the workplace! You are there to work!”
I should note that I don’t think any of the above work habits are inherently bad or wrong – if this is how you prefer to get things done and you love it, that’s great! I’m definitely not coming from a place of judgment, especially since for most of my working life this WAS how I preferred to be. It’s just that I’m at a place right now where it doesn’t feel so aligned anymore. I’m craving something else, a quieter energy, a softening and flow.
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I still operate heavily in my workaholic fashion these days, though I’ve come a long way from the type A workhorse I once was. Still though, I have a hard time dropping the single-minded focus and desire to power through at all costs. When I have free time, I’m often compelled to find something work-related to fill it up with. I blast through more things in a few hours than most people get done in a whole day – something that I’ve always been proud of. It makes me feel useful and productive knowing that I can accomplish so much and knowing that employers love it. This is me – I get shit DONE. Always quickly, always professionally and always with a smile on my face.
Being a workaholic doesn’t come without it’s drawbacks though and some of them are catastrophic. One time a few years back I was so burned out from constantly going that I sat down on my bed one day and literally collapsed. I couldn’t move or get up – it was as if everything just came to a halt and my body did a complete shutdown. Scary!! Later I found out I had developed adrenal fatigue from all the stresses I’d put myself through.
More recently I noticed I’ve been routinely spending late nights immersed in projects and school work, things that I haven’t found enough space to fit elsewhere in the day. And it’s definitely taken a toll. Adrenaline-filled mornings from not having gotten proper sleep, loading up on protein & carbs to make-up for the lost energy, the Big Crash at the end of the night. And suddenly one small bad habit reveals multiple heavy consequences.
Neglecting one part of your life always spills over and affects many others.
Sure, my body’s handled most of these like a trooper and overall I’ve been more or less fine. But I don’t want to operate in this way anymore. I don’t want to merely get by in life… that used to be fine several years back. But now I want to thrive.
This past week after another night of staying up late I got sick. Fever, pounding head, dizziness, nausea and such extreme fatigue that left me bedridden for days.
I haven’t crashed this hard in a long, long time. And the realization that yes, maybe this could have been prevented if I’d gotten more sleep has weighed hard on my consciousness since then.
I’m just sick of it. The cycle of work work work, crash and burn. Work and push and run myself into the ground. It’s unsustainable but quite insidious at the same time because the burnout doesn’t happen right away. Many of us workaholics can go months or even years operating in this fashion before the major wear & tear signs begin to show – of course by then it’s gone way too far to correct with simply a good night’s catch-up sleep and some downtime at home.
There’s got to be a better way and I suspect it involves letting go and a mega heavy dose of trust in outside forces. And I’m about to go figure it out because I can tell you this for sure – I’ve decided that it stops here. No more late-nighters. I don’t know exactly how I will get my projects done without this easy option to fall back on but I will never again push myself to stay up working longer than my body wants to. I will never again neglect my body’s needs in favour of my to-do list. I’m done with the guilt, the burnout, the getting sick, the playing catch-up, the crashing and the drama.
From here on out, I’ve decided to recommit to myself and my well-being.
Truly, and with so much love.
♥
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